PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
