I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
