I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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