i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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