Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize