he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
