and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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