the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
