well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
