Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
