fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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