3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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