I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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