from now on my penis is your penis
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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