you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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