Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
