i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
