I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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