So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
