It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is Oprah even human
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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