If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
