this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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