I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i came on her dog
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Couch. On fire.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
