I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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