My balls are so social today.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
