actually, I'm a sock model
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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