my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I could make wine with my vomit
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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