I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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