2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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