My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize