i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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