im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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