Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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