...so i touched it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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