Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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