Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
