I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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