Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize