Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
