i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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