a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
