When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
