A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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