i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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