I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
420 ftw
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize