it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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