today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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