Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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