He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
