im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
