we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
