I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
