If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
