Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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