you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
