woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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