why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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