Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
