Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
