i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
