i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
