If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
