Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
