Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(240): View more from Maryland

I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...

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(224): View more from Illinois

Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

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(716): View more from New York

My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.

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(206): View more from Washington

I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.

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