Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
