omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
