You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
