I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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