I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
